So very
sorry I missed last week. There were
copyedits. I got about 3/4 of a post
done in my spare time, but I was never quite happy with it, and then last
Thursday was here and gone.
And now
here’s Thursday again.
As it turns
out, though, this turned out to be a fantastic bit of lucky timing.
This, my
friends-students-lurkers-haters-et al, is the 400th post here on
the ranty blog. Yep. Four.
Hundred. I know that doesn’t
really mean much, in the big scheme of things.
There are some folks who post way, way more frequently than I
ever will.
Still,
though... that’s a lot of random writing rules and advice I’ve been spouting
out over the years. Granted, there were
a couple of amusing pictures mixed in there, plus I’ve revisited the same topic
a few times, but...c’mon, it’s a pretty cool milestone.
Okay, fine.
You’re not impressed. How about this,
then...
Sunday,
it’ll be ten years since I first started said ranty blog.
TEN. YEARS.
To put that
in perspective, the first Iron Man movie, the one that kicked off the
entire Marvel Cinematic Universe? That
was nine years ago. Ten years ago
nobody’d heard of Breaking Bad or Fifty Shades of Grey. Hell, ten years ago nobody’d ever heard of
Sarah Palin.
To be honest,
nobody’d ever heard of me, either.
Probably
also worth mentioning there’ve been a little over 770 comments posted here in
that time. So many thanks to all of you who’ve stumbled across this pile of
rants. It’s always nice to know I’m not shouting into the void.
Ten years.
This
revamp’s long overdue, yes? Blogger’s
overhauled many of its formats. A lot more of you are reading this on tablets
or smartphones (something else that would’ve been a mystery ten years
ago). This whole page could be a lot more
mobile-friendly.
Plus, let’s
be honest. I’m ten years older. Some of you are, too. Most of you are going to be. The white-text-on-black setup wasn’t helping
anyone.
Soooooooo...
Whadda you think?
Okay, talk
about that down in the comments. Since we’re looking at a big momentous
anniversary (and did anyone get me an aluminum ring? No!) and I’ve been doing the Writers
Coffeehouse for over a year now, I wanted to be clear on something. I’ve kind of talked about this on and off,
but it struck me it might be worth saying in really clear, absolute terms.
I am not a
writing guru.
Hell,
forget guru, I’m not much of a writing teacher.
I’m barely a writing adviser. Most
of the Coffeehouse folks can vouch for this.
At best, I’m kind of the old writing hermit up in the hills. You can ask me questions and I’ll shake my
fist and shout some kind of answer, but I’d guess at least half the time my
answer won’t work for you. Probably
closer to 2/3 of the time.
That's the Golden Rule I've mentioned here once or thrice. Writing is a very individual, very personal process. What works for me might not work for you. It definitely won't work for him.
So... how is that
different from being a guru?
Well,
because I’m admitting it might not work. Not
for everyone. I’m telling you that up
front. There is no “right” way to do this. At best, we can pin down
some methods that work better than others and a few more that are more likely
to hinder than help. But past that...
Okay, I’m
going to tell you a really old, really stupid joke. I apologize in advance, but it’s kind of
important. Ready?
A man goes
to the doctor’s office. He holds his arm
out, rotates it counter-clockwise at the shoulder, and says “Doc, it hurts like
hell whenever I do this.”
The doctor
looks at him, shrugs, and says “Don’t do that.
That’ll be twenty dollars.”
Yep, twenty
dollars for a doctor’s visit. Told you
it was an old joke.
Now, on a
basic level, the doctor has taken care of the patient’s problem. And it’s kind of a win-win for the
doctor. If the man keeps doing it and
the pain persists, he’s going against the doctor’s orders and the doc was right
telling him to stop. If he doesn’t do it
and there’s no pain, then the doctor was right telling him to stop.
The catch
here, of course, is that the doctor hasn’t actually done anything. And that’s how a lot of gurus operate. They know how tough it can be to succeed in
this business, so they charge a lot of money and offer foolproof advice. Foolproof in the sense of it can’t fail,
because the advice is not to do anything.
I used to
see this mentality in the film industry a lot.
A script will normally go through what they call “clearance.” It’s when a lawyer or legal assistant goes
through the screenplay looking for possible legal issues, usually with names,
addresses, and prominently mentioned items.
Is this character name common, or is there only one person with this name
in that city? Should someone bitch and
complain about Microsoft products by name on screen? The clearance people are supposed to do some
research and then give everything a thumbs down (because you might get sued) or
a thumbs up (you’re in the clear).
Guess what,
though? About nineteen times out of
twenty, they just say don’t do it. Don’t
use that name, don’t mention that product, don’t refer to that person. No matter what it is, you might get sued, so
don’t use it.
Y’see,
Timmy, if I tell you not to do something and you don’t, there’s no problem—I
was right. If I tell you not to do it,
you do anyway, and nothing happens, then you were lucky—and I was right. If I tell you not to do it, you do anyway,
and you get sued... well, I told you not
to do it. It’s not my fault. No matter what the actual outcome is, by
saying no, I’m always correct.
This is
what I see overwhelmingly from gurus (both prose and screenwriting). Rather than actually teach anything, far too
many of them just give lists of what not to do.
Don’t do flashbacks. Don’t use passive voice. Don’t take too long to introduce
characters. Don’t have your inciting
incident any later than page nineteen.
Don’t use “we see.” Don’t use “said.”
Don’t do voiceover in scripts.
And, again,
they’re never wrong, because saying no is always correct.
On the
other hand, I try to explain how these things work. Of course you can use flashbacks. Introduce characters
whenever it’s appropriate for your individual story. And please, please, please try to use “said” more
than any other dialogue descriptor. These devices wouldn’t exist if they didn’t
work—they would’ve died out centuries ago. Actual centuries. It’s just easier and quicker to say “don’t
use them” then it is to explain how to use them correctly.
Especially
if said guru doesn’t know how to use them correctly.
There’s
another way I’m different from a guru. I
have actual, recent experience. Not
references or testimonials—experience. I
honestly can’t tell you the number of self-proclaimed experts I’ve seen who
haven’t had a single sale in their chosen industry in years. Assuming they’ve ever even had a sale. One of my favorites was a “script doctor” I’d
never, ever heard of (keeping in mind, I worked in the film industry for fifteen years and then reported on it for another five) who assured would-be
clients that he’d worked on lots and lots of big box office films... none of
which he was allowed to name for confidentiality reasons.
Remember, real
professionals don’t have testimonials—they have credits. Recent credits. Every industry changes over time. Publishing, filmmaking, programming,
farming—all of them. The longer it’s
been since I’ve done something, the less likely it is that my knowledge of said
industry is any good. You might remember
a couple weeks back I mentioned I wasn’t going to offer screenplay advice anymore because it’d been a while since I actively did anything in the
film industry. I don’t want to mislead
anyone with out-of-date advice about how to put a screenplay together.
Yeah, there
are still format posts here if anyone wanted to go digging (look, here’s one), but it’s also clear these aren’t current.
So I’m going off the basic assumption that if someone finds their way
here, they’re smart enough to think twice before blindly following something
from a year ago.
I mean,
let’s just approach this logically. If
Wakko really knows how to write a novel that publishers will pay half a million
for... why is he nickel-and diming you and me? Why are we paying him $500 for a
three-day weekend course when a film studio might give him $750,000—plus
residuals?
Don’t get
me wrong. There are a bunch of very talented, very experienced people out there offering writing advice and asking
for a couple of bucks. I personally know
at least half a dozen writers who’ve put out books of writing tips and advice. I’ve toyed with the idea myself. But, again, they’re all professionals. Offering writing advice is a side business,
not their primary one.
Which is,
y’know... writing.
And that
brings me to my last point. It’s not a
hard fast rule, but I’d say it’s a pretty solid rule of thumb. Most of the professionals who offer writing
advice... just offer it. They don’t want a huge amount of cash up front. They’re not asking $85 for a self-published textbook.
The reason
for this is pretty simple. The vast
majority of us who’ve made it up here to the top half of the ladder only got
here because we got help and encouragement from other professionals along the
way. I can look back and know I only
made it here because of advice and tips I got from several writing
professionals along the way, almost all of whom gave me that advice for free
(one was a college professor—and a two-time Pen/Faulkner winner with nine books
to his name at that point).
The question
I need to ask myself is... is that big pile of don’ts from somebody with
no experience worth $650? Or maybe a
grand? Hell, is it even worth fifty bucks?
And that’s
why I’m not a guru.
And it’s
part of the reason I’ve been writing out suggestions and tips and not-so-gentle
nudges here for the past ten years.
Again,
thanks for being here.
Next time,
I’ll probably prattle about words, like I said I was going to do last week. Or
maybe I’ll talk about this really cute foreign exchange student I knew in college.
One of those things.
Until then... go write.
Congratulations on your milestone! I remember a few years ago wandering into the local sci-fi/fantasy bookshop, looking for something new to read. My friendly salesman recommended Ex-Heroes - zombies and superheros? I'm sold! - and I not only own all of the Ex- books (I confess I initially added the blog to my RSS feed hoping it would tell me when the next one was coming out), but I've even converted several friends of mine (one of whom told me, after reading Ex-Heroes, that she hates zombie stories... and could she please borrow the rest of the Ex- books?).
ReplyDeleteWoo, congratulations! I feel like i should've brought cake... :D
ReplyDeleteTEN YEARS! Well done (and thank you) for providing us with so much help and advice over the past TEN YEARS, we really do appreciate it (even on the days we forget to comment). I can't think of any other blogs i've consistently kept reading for this long, so you must be doing something right. ;) Here's to the next ten!
ps. I like the new format, it looks very posh.
Congratulations on the big Four Zero (Zero). 99% of blogs don't make it past 6 months, so 10 years is insane.
ReplyDeleteSimilar to Gazza (above), I stumbled upon your written when I discovered Superheroes and Zombies smashed together in EX-HEROES. Loving the series. Amazing mash-up. Pure Geekdom!
Have enjoyed your posts. Here's to 400 more.
Gazza and Brian, thanks so much. Hopefully you continue to enjoy the books, and maybe find something interesting here now and then. Or at least amusing.
ReplyDelete(and Gazza--your friend clearly has excellent taste...)
Rakie--Thank you as well. I hope I can continue to offer semi-useful advice. I may be casting that net a little wider this year. We'll see.
And glad you like the new format. i think it may be a little -too- Spartan at the moment, but we'll see if I can dress it up a bit. I'm not 100% married to this quite yet.